sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize