Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
