In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
