so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
