I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
