I met the friendliest cop last night
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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