i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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