3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
