It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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