My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
