party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
