He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
