OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
