Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
