they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
