And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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