Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
