JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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