Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have fence marks all over my body
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
