I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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