Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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