my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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