I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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