i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
