She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
