you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
