Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
