if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize