she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
