Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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