I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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