New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
