nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
