thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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