All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
