If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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