I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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