Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
