I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
