So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
we're making bets on your personal life
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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