listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
this will be a night to untag.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
