I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
