New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The Olympian is in my bed
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
