Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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