WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
