Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Your dad touched me again.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
