just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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