This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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