Welp...herpes.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I supernannyed him into submission
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
