My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
