so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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