hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
