When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
