Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
