"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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