My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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