literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
