if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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