just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
